"An extreme form of schizophrenia is characterized, on the one hand, by being moved to do what one believes is bad, harmful, ugly, abasing; on the other, by being disgusted, horrified, dismayed by what one wants to do... we should be moved by our major values and we should value what our major motives seek. That is, if we are to lead a good life."
Michael Stocker, The Schizophrenia of Modern Ethical Theories (1976)
I often fight internally with my mind. I compare myself to the people around me who are getting incredible jobs, making lots of money, or pursuing that which they are motivated to do. In comparing myself to them, I feel like I am not enough and that I should pursue their paths to get to where they are. I don't know how or why these thoughts always enter my mind. It may be because of a natural competitive attitude, but I think that it has more to do with my view of myself.
It is easy now to compare yourself to others based on their LinkedIn profile, their beautiful pictures on Instagram, or their successes that you observe in the real world. I often find myself feeling like people don't look at me in that same light, and my desire to be accepted drives my motivation to achieve what others have. But their goals should not be mine.
I have so many ideas, so many things that I want to do and dreams that I want to achieve. I fear many of these ideas. I am afraid of creating a blog because people will read my posts and laugh. I am afraid of starting a photography Instagram because my art will not get enough recognition. But most of all, I am afraid that the people closest to me won't support me in my journey.
Sometimes I get confident, thinking that I don't need anyone but myself and that the people that truly matter will follow. Then I think of the pain that I would endure if I were wrong. I fail to continue with something that I have started, out of this fear. Then I am disappointed in myself due to my own inaction.
I have a schizophrenic battle within my own mind between my motivations and my fears. I am motivated to do that which I love and pursue my long-term happiness, but I am halted by my fears that I will not succeed. I am haunted by my own internal battle between my dreams and my nightmares.
I need to work on this, but I believe that many of us do. So many of us pursue things solely because it will be judged by other people, while not focusing on our own judgments and goals. I strive to pay more attention to my desires. I want to be able to add put more value in my own desires than I do in the judgments of others.
Even though I am scared as hell, I will focus my efforts on pursuing my internal motivations more so than I have done in the past.